ProgProg

OMG! I just got the iPhone, and it kicks ass so much!!! OMG OMG OMG. I had to camp for hours to get it, but it was worth all the money and the time I spent in line.

This is such a revolutionary product! I rank it right up there with the invention of electricity and penicillin. Speaking of the latter, I heard it has medicinal properties too! The iPod batteries run on electromagnetism, so if I hold it against my forehead like those magnetic pads I spent so much money on, it helps when I have migraines. It works way better than those pads.

Don’t listen to those haters who keep going on about tactile feedback. Once you have the iPhone, you’ll never want to press buttons again! You will only want to caress the iPhone’s silky smooth screen! In fact, today I got on the elevator, and I was like, “Why should I have to press a crummy button?”

So I put my iPhone against the twentieth floor button, and pushed the button by pushing my iPhone against it. I even typed “20” on my iPhone to complete the effect… my iPhone can control elevators! No grimy buttons for my fingers from now on – I will only touch my iPhone.

I wish there was more coverage of the iPhone! The mainstream media have like, TOTALLY, not devoted enough time to telling us about every little feature. And I just have to know everyone’s opinion the iPhone: whether or not it will succeed, how cool it is, how it has caused a whole new paradigm shift for today’s trend of the convergence of communications technology, the digerati culture, and the Web2.0AJAXRIAmashupblogosemanticsphere. So please everyone, write more about the iPhone! Don’t forget the peripheral experiences too – the purchasing experience, where you were when you opened the packaging, the number of people who’ve become nauseous at hearing you talk about it… LEAVE NOTHING OUT!

Now I’m one step closer to being that really cool guy on those Mac and PC ads! I have all five generations of iPods, a hawt MacBook Pro, and a bazillion iPod peripherals, all color-coordinated in white! (Just between you and me, sometimes I like to turn off the lights and pretend I’m a stick figure in the iPod ads.) They’re all kept in mint condition in a cabinet I call “The Steve Jobs Shrine”.

And with the iPhone Apple has given the finger to the service providers, just like they did to the record companies with iTunes! They’re down with fighting against The Man! Am I ever glad to support such a wonderful company!

It was with no small amount of schadenfreude that I read about Apple’s gaffe this morning.

In a classic example of a company growing into the likeness of its founder, Apple has always had a chip on its shoulder—easily seen through its history of advertising. From the famous 1984 Superbowl ad to the more recent obnoxious PC = old sick guy campaign, Apple’s marketing¹ has always reminded me of a young child being bratty just to get some attention from adults.

And this time, despite being caught with their pants completely down [2], the PR machine called a crisis meeting and came up with this gem:

As you might imagine, we are upset at Windows for not being more hardy against such viruses, and even more upset with ourselves for not catching it³.

I was disbelieving when I first read about it on Slashdot—I thought the submitter was exaggerating. But it turned out to be true. They took one of the worst PR disasters to hit the iPod, and added fuel to the fire by sniping at Microsoft in their apology.

Were they aware of the risk they were taking? Hell, yes. And it was purely intentional, given the clever wording. Every single choice of word, and the sequence of those words, must have been pondered over and debated for as much time as they were allowed. I shit you not.

Let’s go through the gauntlet of rhetorical devices they managed to cram into a single sentence:

First up, “As you might imagine.” Implanting a suggestion from the get go. This statement may not be 100% factual. But you may imagine it, and treat it as your opinion.

“We are upset at Windows”. It is critical that this sentence comes first. There is a strong rhetorical implication that the issue stems from Windows, not Apple.

The word “hardy”. A reference to that sick PC guy ad campaign. So many other words available, and they choose one that has an additional meaning related to medical health.

“not catching it”. And here we have le grand finale. What is “it” in this sentence? Well, have you seen any reference to compromised iPods bearing a virus? No. “It” here can refer to “this problem” from two sentences back, but take this out of context (and a lot of journalists will quote only the final sentence, as the article I linked in the first paragraph shows), and “it” refers to Windows’ culpability to viruses. “Catching” is an excellent word choice too. Portrays Microsoft as the bad guy, and Apple… well they’ve always got your back looking out for viruses in Windows, but in this case they slipped, you know? Good guys like Apple can’t win all the time?

You know what the best part is? Go to Apple’s support site dealing with this issue. Search for the words “sorry”, or “apologize”, or any other similar words. “Regret” isn’t there either.

Not a single word of apology, not a single word taking responsibility.

All we get is “We are upset at Windows [...] and even more upset with ourselves”. Now getting upset at myself is not a statement of contrition. I get upset at myself when I miss a pin 5 spare. Or when I burn my dinner to a crisp while not paying attention due to writing a blog entry. Getting upset at yourself is not the correct reaction to an error which may compromise many of your customers’ computers. Apple is majorly playing down its culpability here—barely even acknowledging it in fact.

This is beyond arrogance. This is sheer hubris. You can almost imagine Apple smirking as they issue this statement.

Hey, Apple. Learn the meaning of the word “class” (and not just its meaning as the first word in “class action lawsuit”, which you will soon be familiar with). You want to portray yourself as the Good Guy vs the Evil Empire? Or the cool, hip, young guy to the PC’s fuddy duddy? Well, cool young guys don’t take cheap shots at sick elderly people. Because it is beneath them.

You have already mined the elitist attitude for all it is worth—one generation of fanbois has carried you through the lean years between Sculley and iPod. Now ditch the obnoxious upstart image and show the world you are a big boy now.

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¹ Do take note that I am referring to this independently of their products.

² For those too lazy to RTFA—a Windows virus was found to be pre-installed on several shrink-wrapped iPods

³ Full text on Apple’s support page here